I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
