Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
