I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
