just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
