goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
