oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
