I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
