I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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