Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
