your thong is hanging out like whoa
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Randomize
