just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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