You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
