My friends, they love my intelligence
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
