Where is the hickey?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
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If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
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How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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