dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
