Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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