the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
