ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
the condom got lost in my hair
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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