So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
