idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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