My girlfriend figured out who you are.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
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You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
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There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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