Just cropdusted the office
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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