She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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