i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
