im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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