she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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