My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
