my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
