Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
