All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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