Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
