You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
