Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
