I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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