Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
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