I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
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Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
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She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
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