Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
