i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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