my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
