so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
