I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
