after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
