I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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