Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
