The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
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passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
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If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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