mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
