when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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