i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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