I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
