When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
