if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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