she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
