i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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