Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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