A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
