Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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