then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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