You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
