please come you make the beer taste better
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
