i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
