farters have to be the big spoon...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize