my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Everclear isn't food dammit
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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