so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
The adults are the big ones right?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
