The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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